Last night I was catching up on a bazillion hours of Olympic coverage and caught the story of French skier, Ophelie David. For me, the Olympics is largely about the stories. In other words, I cheer for whomever NBC tells me I’m supposed to cheer for, with their Hallmark-esque montages.
Oh, yeah, and the Americans.
Ophelie David is a 6 time world champion in ski cross. She’s been ranked number 1 in the world since 2004 and is 33 years old.
She is also the mother of a 10 year old.
As we get nearer to our wedding, and I look at what it means to be a wife, I’ve also started to think about what it means to be a mother. If the world at large tells us that wives are supposed to be controlling harridans, that husbands are purse carrying victims, what does it say about mothers?
Here are some words often associated with Mother: loving, selfless, caretaker, nurturing.
Here is one that’s not: Olympian*.
I’ve been walking around this idea of being a mother for a while now. I’m 32. Some would say it’s well past time, but when I think of what is expected of me and what I may lose, it’s not an easy answer.
One of my biggest fears, when approaching marriage, was that the world at large would no longer allow me to define myself. Though I wonder, at times, if it ever really had. Let’s be honest. It all comes back to mothers and daugthers. We are someone’s daughter and then someone’s wife. And then, either our husbands are rebellious adolecents and we, their over bearing mothers or they are stoic providers and we, their poor, helpless daugthers.
I bristle under the stereotypes, yet I understand the need to place people in tidy boxes. It is work to get to know someone. To allow them faults. To recognize their individuality.
I am afraid of losing myself.
I know I will lose a part of my old self when I marry the boy. No longer can I pick up at a moments notice and jet off to far flung cities to visit friends. If I blow my paycheck on books or shoes or the Marc Jacobs bag I’ve been lusting over, it will mean putting less money towards our shared goals.
Likewise, I know I will lose a part of my old self when (and if) I become a mother. But what? And how much? Will it limit what I can accomplish? Will it be the sole thing that defines me?
These were the thoughts running through my head while I watched Ophelie David.
A reporter asked her how she balances the two, mother, Olympian and she resonded:
At home, I am a mother. Here, I am a competitor.
Simple as that.
My heart broke a little when she crashed. And then I thought, how badass was that?!! Every little girl should be lucky enough to have a role model that shows you that you can be badass as you want to be.
Eff anyone who tells you differently.
*At least not in the present tense.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
I think a large part of the fear of losing yourself when you become a mother, at least, is the concept that from that point out, motherhood is what defines you. Motherhood sublimates the self. I don’t think it has to be that way, and that through pursuit of our own goals we can show our children (should we choose to have them) by example how to develop their own strengths.
It’s shitty how many Olympians are also fathers, but they don’t get asked the “how do you manage to balance the two?” questions. Because they’re seen as athletes first. As individuals first. Ostensibly, someone else (the mother) is taking care of those children.
Mothers (and wives) are people first, too. Our roles don’t have to consume us.
Amen.
I am scared too. Nice to know there are someone out there that feels the same way
I also dont want to be defined as a mother or wife, because men are NEVER defined as fathers or husbands. But I think it will work itself out. The same way we are deciding what our weddings should be, we will decide what motherhood and wifedom will be.
Amen, Sister.
I don’t worry so much about losing myself as I do about being bad mother. Or having to sacrifice a successful career that I’ve worked so hard for that I might end up resentful if I had to compromise it. That’s right, I said resentful – towards my own child! I feel it could happen and that concerns me.
My bigger question is why have I now just found your wonderful blog?
Well there is nothing like an intriguing post title to have me completely hooked.
I think labels are inevitable it is how we categorise people so that we can relate to them unfortunately. I imagine it goes back to when we were apes and were probably alpha female 1 in such and such family. It will probably continue long into the future when we will probably be known by numbers which relate to our genetic code or something. And now I’ve gone from planet of the apes to star trek I’ll leave and contemplate my own labels – “nutter” might be among them!
@lyn I totally agree with all of it. I thought David handled the question well. Too often when I see women confronted with those questions their answers begin with apologies or justification, when I think neither are necessary.
@Jesselyn I think most women wonder a worry a little bit? I hope?
@cupcake wedding Yes! I wonder what the next generation will be discussing once we’ve figured this all out and collectively whipped society into shape? Oh, to dream.
@The Thirty-Something Bride I’m glad you found me! And YES to the bad mother thing. I worry too. I wonder how kids will fit into the boy and my lifestyle. I also wonder if these questions would be easier if there were more examples of modern parenting for me to see?
@mysparethoughts I like the sound of Alpha Female 1. I could work with that! Also, I’m a huge sci-fi geek!
” I am afraid of losing myself”
Love your honesty.
I think, when it comes down to it, we just have to do what works for us.
Anyone who has a baby and thinks that it won’t change them is kidding themselves. You are literally giving a part of yourself to another person. I don’t think anything could prepare a person for it. And I also can’t imagine feeling ready to take that on, although I know I want to some day.
I know that was no help at all!