So. What I left out in this post, mostly because I’ve been struggling with the decision lately, is we did come to a compromise. One that, at the time, left us all high fives and butt patting but now has me second guessing myself.
When we first started talking about the ceremony, months ago, I suggested we have one of our friend’s marry us. The boy scoffed at the idea. Real Weddings happen before a man of the church. I’m not sure if this is some deep seated belief left over from his upbringing in the South, but I am guessing yes. I insisted that if we had to be married by a religious personage, that it should be someone who is meaningful to at least one of us. My oldest friend’s father is a pastor. Her family was a second family to me growing up. Problem solved.
In a few weeks we’ll start our mandatory counseling sessions for people getting married by the church. We’ll start the process of writing our vows and our ceremony. And now that it’s upon us, I wonder if we can craft a ceremony that will honestly reflect what we both believe, differences and all. And I worry that trying to put my often complicated thoughts into words that will be spoken in front of all the people who matter to us will be lot like standing up in front of them all with my dress lifted up and asking them to look at my pretty knickers.
Mostly I’m afraid of being pushed into a ceremony I’m not comfortable with*. The one thing I’ve learned with wedding planning is people, often people you love, think they know best how you should do things. Their intentions are usually swell. The results: largely crappy.
So our compromise is: we are being married by a person of the church, but not a in a church, and we will attempt to have a mostly secular ceremony. Wish us luck.
*I have talked to the boy about this and he doesn’t seem to get what the big deal is. Which leaves me worried. Or pissed. Depends on the day.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Hold your ground. It’ll work out, but you’ll have to stick up for yourself.
We tried like all get-out to keep God out of a family funeral, and he snuck in there anyway. On behalf of us non-churchers, it can be a devastating thing during YOUR ceremony.
I think it’s very possible. You can find spiritual but not directly religious passages that meet both your needs. And you can save the most meaningful real words for those you say yourself, stripped of religion and just truly yours. Those are the words that you, your husband, and your guests will hold onto. Just remember that and hold tight.
Our friends faced a similar issue two years ago, but with the Catholic Church (which is less forgiving/flexible than an intimate family friend.) They cut as much as the priest let them, added in additional context that he approved of, she pinched her nose through the Catholic formalities, and their individual (added) vows made me bawl in their perfect them-ness. You can absolutely do this and make it yours. And everyone will bawl/cheer/be grinning uncontrollably.
Agree with Mouse – hold your ground and follow your heart. It will be great!
we did something similar. we’re not religious, but i think our families would have balked if we had his friend marry us. in the end,we still would’ve done it, but it turns out new york state has weird laws that don’t recognize the universal life church – which is ultimately the online certificate his friend would have needed to marry us. we went with a reverend we found online who will allow us to pretty much draft our own ceremony. if we don’t want the word God in there, he’s totally cool with that. we met him at a coffee shop back in november and really liked him.
Hmm. We are getting married in a Church but that’s b/c it was the only thing the boy really felt strongly about. I was indifferent. As long as we were getting married, I say. But now it’s irritating. As in I’m the one doing allll the work with the Church part of iy. Getting us ready for marriage prep, arranging counseling with the Priest, getting all our documents in order, getting our asses to Church in the AM. Not fun, not my cup of tea, and we have had some pretty big talks about it.
I’m not sure how it will turn out but we are having our own vows, so I’m glad there will be some of “us” in a super-formal ceremony.
Good luck!