When people talk about making their weddings uniquely them and then go on to talk about how they chose a Smiths song for their first dance because they bonded over their love of Morrisey or how they crafted their own invitations because he’s an illustrator and she’s a calligrapher, I sometimes want to throw my hands up in exasperation.
Emo-bonding and pretty paper is great and all, but what I really want to know is, what if you insist on the Smiths and he insists on Taylor Swift? Or what if when you were discussing the illustrations for your save the dates you were thinking Alan Moore and he was thinking Terrytoons?
And what I really want to know, what keeps me up at night is, what if you want a non-religious ceremony and he wants God to be a witness?
What if this is deeply personal to both of you? What if you would feel like an imposter saying vows before God and he would feel like an imposter not?
What would you do?
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Blurg. The dirty underbelly of marriage.
My first impulse is to say “compromise,” although that’s clearly not always as easy as it sounds. Is it just the word “God” you have a problem with? Does he insist on using the word “God?” Could you each find a tiny corner of yourselves that are comfortable with using gentler terms like “creator” or “universal being” or “infinite spirit” or even “higher power?”
If you’re uncomfortable with spirituality, period, then there might be a bit of an impasse on your hands. But if your guy is OK with staying away from organized religion and can be down with a more spirituality-based language, perhaps you can find middle ground. The net, of course, should have some good examples of ceremony scripts you can tweak to fit your needs.
And: hang in there.
We’re doing both.
We’re having the civil ceremony that I want, that is completely about us and our families and nothing else. In Australia, where we now live and where I grew up.
Two weeks later, we’re having a church ceremony, whichrun the same as any church wedding except with no signing because we’ll already be legally wed. In Ireland, where we met and he grew up.
Now I’m not suggesting that you get married in two different countries of course, but there in absolutely no reason that you can’t do both.
PS- I have just found your blog and I’m adding you to my list now!
If either of us hates something, the other doesn’t get it. For example, I wanted linen shirts for the guys. He said no. He wants a beer pong. I said no. He likes sad love songs. I think they are best left for some other occassion. Etc.
So we are left with details that do not represent all our favorite things as individuals, but rather what we can agree to as a couple.
I always assume that is what couples mean when they say, we choose this. That, or the girl railroaded the guy. You know it happens.
Dude. Steam roller over the guy and move on. I mean, that is how relationships work.
I am all about the God thing. Him? Not so much. We had two ceremonies. One with no God mentioned. Another with two prayers because just one prayer might not be able to cover our marriage.
I really like flowers. He really likes skulls. We had text and just text on our invitations. Hah.
Thank God we agreed on Michael Buble for our first dance or else we would be force to decide between Bullet For My Valentine or Van Morrisey. Heaven forbid.
Try and meet somewhere in the middle?
I think it depends upon which person feels the most about each thing. We both have the right to veto ideas be it in wedding or life.
I would say it was about compromise and knowing whether something is really that important to you or is it more important that you are supporting the other?
I wish I got my own way all the time (I don’t!) but if I really want something I will make my case.
Thank you everyone for your comments! I’ll post an update on this soon.